SNL and Fortune Cookies





Some jobs are easier than others. And this Freak can tell you about a variety of jobs. I’ve held many in the days before I realized what I was: a Writer Freak.  There was the time I worked for a large health insurance company and accidentally threatened my boss. Seriously. I did, but she took it in stride. In all fairness, I was only offering her a piece of cake, but I pointed the knife at her and said, “You want a piece of this?” Oops! My bad. I just didn’t have the kind of decorum or drive to work there. Then there was the graphics design company. I could not stay inside the lines and really, who was I fooling thinking I had that kind of talent? What? You didn’t like the graphic of a rainbow super-imposed on an industrial truck? You don’t think it is relevant to the industrial truck company? Now, come on. Rainbows are great! Once I audited phone calls for a tire company. That was actually kind of fun, until I realized I could identify the brand of tires on a vehicle from 100 feet away.  That is not a talent I wanted to add to my resume.  Then there was receptionist, file clerk, administrative assistant, workers comp claims adjuster, and the assistant to the private investigator stint. How creepy is it to watch other people going about life as usual? Okay. I’ll admit it. People fascinate me and this was the ultimate in people watching. Sometime I will tell you about my people watching game. It is fabulous! But I was still a square peg in a round hole. Finally, I landed in journalism. I love to write, but asking people probing questions made me feel like I needed to shove my head into an ostrich hole. Now, I am taking charge and writing fiction because that is what I love and have always loved. Still, there are some days when I see a job I think I could totally do.

I could totally write fortunes for fortune cookies. I don’t think they are very creative. I remember a time when they were. Now, sometimes they even state a fact and aren’t really very telling of the diner’s fortune at all. Once I got one that said, “Much happiness is found in the comfort of friends.”  Really? Well, duh! So not a fortune. Wouldn’t it be awesome if they told unexpected fortunes? Something right out of left field. “You will find an unexpected item in a most inconvenient place.” or, “Puppies will kiss your face, a sign of a prosperous life to come.” or, “Grave danger awaits you in the shower on Thursday.” or “Bruno Mars will kill it on SNL and you will laugh so hard a beverage will come out of your nose.” or even, “All the ponies of the world will run away and never come back.” Okay, that last one was really for me. I detest ponies.  I could rock those fortunes. Yes. I think I should do it.

Another job I talk a big game about being able to do? Writer for Saturday Night Live. How do they come up with this stuff? I mean who would have thought that a sketch about about a D#@k in a Box would become a pop culture phenomenon? And what about Alec Baldwin and Betty White’s (cheers here because I adore her) sketches for Schweddy Balls and Dusty Muffins? Timberlake’s Cup O Noodles Sketch was hysterical. And the hits keep coming! I want to give it a whirl. I want to write sketches with enough innuendo to make you always come back for more.  I think my first sketch would be something to do with clubbing with major celebs all doing the Gangnam Style dance while eating hot dogs and figuring out who should drive everyone back to their cribs, which would actually be cribs, or horse stalls. I dunno. It’s just an idea.

On second thought, maybe I should just stick to writing books.

Stephanie D. Birch is an all-star BananaGrams player, certification agent for the ministry of of silly walks and Clydesdale enthusiast. To contact her, email her at: birchwordnerd@yahoo.com