About Julie

  I am full of curiosity. I’m nosy. I like bios because I like to know stuff about the writer. I like to judge and have an opinion about them. See if they have an interesting story. I hate when people are all mysterious in their bios. I don’t want to be hypocritical, that’s just annoying and rude. So I wrote down few statistically facty type things for you. I like making up words, by the way.

 I hate zucchini but I love every other vegetable, even eggplant.

 I am allergic to cats but I don’t judge them for it.

 I’m obsessed with ninjas and tiny people. Not little people, but little humans—toddlers, the two and under set mostly. Because they are so small and it’s funny to watch them walk. Especially when they first start.  I have one living in my house. He trots about on his little tiny stubby legs and he’s got hands and feet just like a normal adult, but tiny and chubby and with a dimple at the root of each finger and pudge all over, which is cute on a baby but frowned upon on a full grown lady with cottage cheese thighs. He laughs about four hundred times a day, which makes me laugh.

 

A ninja baby would be the best of all worlds.

I am jealous of my seven year old daughter, because she wants to grow up to be a mermaid, and I’m pretty sure I’m done growing and it hasn’t happened for me yet. She still has a shot. She also wants to be a famous singer like Paul Simon or Hannah Montana, and she says I can come to all her shows and sit in the front row and wave at her so she doesn’t get shy.

I pinch people’s butts in public. It’s hard to stop once you start.

I dance in the grocery store and sing along to the Muzak whenever I hear it playing, especially when it’s Mariah Carey or Paula Abdul circa 1993 songs.

 If you say a word I might sing a song that has that word in it, and it will probably be an old and somewhat obscure song because I grew up listening to my dad’s records and his musical taste could either be classified as eclectic or schizophrenic. Pretty sure Wham, Al Jarreau and John Denver should not be in the same collection.

Cheese is the best thing to eat. People make up religions all the time, and I have always had a dream of starting my own fake religion and making people eat cheese and wine and chocolate instead of crackers and grape juice in tiny cups. The cheese and chocolate could be carved into shapes like ninjas or trees or tiny villages with little angry mobbing villagers with pitchforks and people would have to eat them and say a prayer or something to finalize their membership.

My oldest kid is a boy and is extremely talented. He can make his neck almost disappear and scrunch down so far like a turtle with his hat pulled down that you can only see his eyeballs. He does this mostly when he’s in public with me or when I drop him off at school. He didn’t do it for the first ten years or so, but in the last two this talent has been slowly emerging and now I think he should take his show on the road. It’s that good. He also has some eye-rolling skills and super cool slang that he likes to drop on me and then smirk when I get confused about what he means.

I like to make up other acronyms than the real ones, or guess if I don’t know. ASPCA could be Alpacas Specially Programmed to Corner  Aardvarks.

Some things I like because they are subversive and cool, and no one really gets why, they just think I like them ironically, but I don’t. I really like them. Like polka dancing and monkeys wearing pants and Shakira and bubble gum. Bubble gum is just fun because it’s a game and also a food but you can’t swallow it or it will stay in your stomach for seven years.

Ninjas are super interesting because they rarely speak but they can seriously kill you with one pinky swipe. I would always be on the same team as any ninjas, even the bad ones, if I am ever asked to choose sides. Because they are the ones you want on your side in the event of a zombie apocalypse or similar. Even if our side runs out of bullets they will still win because they can just jump up and kick the zombies’ heads right off. A ninja zombie though, might be hard to defeat. But hopefully the ninjas on my team would be better than their zombie counterparts because their arms and legs wouldn’t fall off when jumping and kicking and whatnot.

Sometimes I pretend to know more about something that I really do, and I get caught pretty much every time because I am not a very good liar. I will almost always profess to like something that I really want to like because it seems cool, like Zorbiting, and I will inevitably brag about my Zorbit talents to a Zorbit expert and they will start asking me details about Zorbiting and I will stutter and be lame because I have actually never been Zorbiting even though I really want to someday. Because it looks super fun and cool. A Zorbit is like a giant hamster ball. You get inside and roll around. You can even do it on water.

I have some supernatural abilities and I feel like I am probably too old to get into Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters (XSFGY is a terrible acronym, by the way) but I definitely belong there.