Of kings and presidents...

I don’t like when people fight. In movies I cover my eyes when there is fighting. I do not watch the Rocky movies or Fox News because everyone is punching or yelling and I feel the need to diffuse the tension by making inappropriate noises with a whoopee cushion or doing magic tricks or dancing a jig.

Last night was the first presidential debate between Governor Mitt Romney and President Barack Obama. It was in podium format, with Jim Leher moderating. Debating is just a fancy word for arguing, which is word fighting. I wanted to turn it into a drinking game. At least then it would be fun. The negative energy was getting to me but my Honey wanted to watch it and since it's important and edifying and something intellectuals would do I had to give in. 

I feel like there is a better way to settle issues like tax reform, Social Security and being a Mormon. Dance fighting. Like in West Side Story. How mad can a person get when they’re doing high kicks and leaping like lithe Baryshnikovs over each other’s heads?

Mikhail Baryshnikov would be an awesome debater in dance fights. 

It would totally work. How could it not?

Everybody dress up sweet and sharp. I’m just saying. Podium, town hall, and dance fight debates. Have the candidates dress up in costume and perform rousing songs to get people on their side. Maybe introduce a Shakespearean format, so candidates have to debate in iambic pentameter. Or in character! One guy has to be Maverick and the other could be Ice Man, and they have to wear aviator sunglasses and ride in on motorcycles.

The other idea I had would be an animals-dressed-as-people style video debate. Each candidate would do a voice-over of their points and it would be synced to their animal—a puppy and a kitten maybe. How could that make anyone mad? It’s perfect. It’s dynamic and creative and it would solve all the world’s problems. 

 Julie Simmons-Wixom is a writer, enigma, sometimes-ninja. Email her here if you want to hear more about alternative ways to survive the zombie apocalypse.

Oh you think you could do better? Leave a comment with your idea of how to bring about world peace. Or a photo of your pet dressed up as a presidential candidate.