Just a couple of writers on a road trip through life. Hop in, hold on, and don’t forget your rain boots.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Shutting Down the Steelers

Writing is a beast, a beast that I love. But it involves a lot of self reflection and internalizing and sometimes I think that I am the only one who thinks the way I do. I obsess. I fight, not waves, but tsunamis of anxiety.  My self esteem is monstrous in that if it were a piggy jar, you would hear a single coin rattling around in there that occasionally slips out of its slot. I also have arguments with the voices in my head that I call the peanut gallery. You could also call them Steelers, because they are very much like an angry sports team determined to blitz the quarterback.  In any case, all of these things rear their ugly heads when I write, especially those voices that grow so very loud. They scream lyrical condemnations at me, a barrage of criticisms the likes of which even Jean Strouse would find too ridiculously excessive.  And yet, I find the courage somewhere in the depths of my self-loathing and deprecation to write. Sometimes the words flow and other times I stare blankly at the computer screen. I write a sentence, and then promptly delete it. I try another topic; I write a paragraph and then delete it. I write a page of something in a totally different direction, and then obliterate each black letter one at a time. All the while, I hear this voice in my head. I picture a commanding British woman with a hat on, pointing her finger at me saying, you call that writing? Ha!
And apparently I am not the only one to feel this way. On the recommendation of my Aunt Kathie, I started reading this book that has made me feel a whole lot less isolated and I found camaraderie with its author.
First, let me pay tribute to my Aunt Kathie, who is an amazing writer! She has written a book that she had bound, but not published and I really wish she would. She is brilliantly creative. When I read words penned by her, they melt comfortably into the recesses of my imagination, painting a vivid, unforgettable picture. I hold her responsible for my desire to write and I hold her equally accountable for my love of reading. She single handedly turned me into a book worm. I used to hate reading. My parents didn’t push reading very much and the school’s required reading made me want to run screaming to the nurse’s office swearing to a litany of rare and incurable diseases. But my sensational aunt gave me a book she thought I would like, The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks, and I was SOLD. I couldn’t believe someone could write words so poignantly. I connected to this story on a profound level and I wanted more. And so began my love affair with words.  
But getting back to that book my Aunt recommended. It is called Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott. In the first few pages she called attention to the anxiety, the obsessiveness, and even the voices she hears. What?! I’m not the only person who thinks in such a manner?!  I was struck by the similarities in our brains. Could it be that I am amongst the normal in my genre of people: writers? And the answer is a resounding yes. And I for one am so relieved. I feel freedom to write the way I have and now I can turn the volume down on those critics in my head, just as Ms. Lamott suggests.  So, on I venture into a brave new phase of my writing career where I sit and stare at the blank page and feel neither pressure nor condemnation. It is my process and I own it outright. Naysayers, consider yourselves kicked to the metaphorical curb. My refuse is there waiting for you to bring them companionship.
Stephanie D. Birch is a neurotic artist of ink and paper and she likes it that way. To hear more about the voices in her head, or to read a sample of her work, email her at birchwordnerd@yahoo.com

5 comments:

  1. Hip hip hooray for kicking the naysayers to the curb! Follow your dream!

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    1. Thank you. Yes, sometimes the naysayers are in my head and other times they are real people. In any event, I think it is important to develop a thick skin and learn to ignore them. I know I wouldn't get anything done much less have a quality piece if I listen to the critics. For now, I'll take my cue from Dory in Finding Nemo. Just keep swimming.

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  2. I'm a lazy, prodigal writer who established a blog 2 years ago but didn't write my first entry until 2 days ago. So for whatever it's worth, I think it's pretty legit that y'all are so open about the not-so-pretties of writer angst. I'm sure I'll be roaming this way again soon. Keep it up.

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    1. A fellow writer! Ah, so you know how it goes! Yes. We are super excited to be "living the dream" so to speak by writing this blog and other pieces that we work on for publication. It is such a touch industry, but I encourage you to live the dream as well! You can do it! It takes a lot of focus and dedication, but the payoff is huge. Personally that is. Rarely is it ever monetarily, but you know... I would love to read your blog. Post a link so we can visit! :-)

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    2. http://odetoruckus.blogspot.com/

      I'll be popping by here so I can maybe stay motivated ;)

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